You've heard of the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it". I used to scoff at that saying. Seriously scoff, not that half-assed sighing scoff you see from the talking heads on TV. I would say, "I've been wishing for a boatload of money for years, and where the hell is it?" Little did I know I actually had to go where the boats were, you know, like, in the water? I used to . . . no, I confess, I still do wish for the winning lottery numbers, but whenever I'm at that counter, stubby little pencil in hand, poised over the lottery ticket, the magic numbers that my brain sends up like flares turn out to be anything BUT the winning numbers. Oh, yeah, I got the winning numbers all right. In my sleep, As soon as I wake up - poof! - the numbers fade away like an aging rock star. Now, you can substitute the word "pray" for "wish", although the end result is the same. Praying for something invokes a sort of Divine version of "Punk'd". I've learned that God has an incredible sense of humor. I can imagine what He was saying to the angels when He made Man. "Let's start him out without any hair or teeth, make him completely ignorant of the world around him, give him poor eyesight and let him be unable to control his bladder and bowels. Oh! Almost forgot. Instead of a brain, give him a big drool gland up there. Now, after Man goes through his life and nears the end of it, let's grace him with all the same problems he had when he was a newborn. Yes! Exactly the same, all the way down to putting his toes in his mouth. Oh, Man will LOVE this! Oh! Oh! I just thought of something brilliant, angels! (of course, He IS God - how much smarter can a guy get?) Let's make a woman! Man will never know what hit him. Me! I love my job!" So, you see what you're up against with prayer. Just forget about asking for anything. After all, God does provide, doesn't He? Personally, I just stick with either the Lord's Prayer or a simple Thank You when I can remember to. I'd even be careful of the Serenity Prayer. You don't want too much wisdom. You'll end up naked in a cave somewhere contemplating the hair on your gonads. Believe me. I've been there.
Its enough to push someone already on the edge over it. So as I fall to my doom here, I thought I'd lay a little wisdom on you. Learn how to make a proper wish or prayer.
Be Specific! This is where most people screw up. Some schmuck (Pardon my Yiddish) will pray for patience, and then wonder why he always finds himself in the longest lines wherever he goes. Even if he thinks he's going to get lucky sliding behind a woman with only one purchase, until he discovers she's got twelve different credit cards, all of which don't or won't work, and then tries to write a check using her last check and the pen breaks all over it, the customer and the clerk, who is just about to commit homicide, and then fumbles around her purse to collect twenty five dollars and fifteen cents in pennies. By then the schmuck has gained a full beard, lost sixty pounds by just standing there, and will soon discover his wife left him for a race car driver, and he has eight grandchildren. So, if you want to become a more patient person, you have to know exactly what you want. Have others told you you're impatient? Ignore them unless they are paid professional patiencologists. Do you fidget and become irritable when a process like the microwave isn't happening fast enough? That's why God made Taco Bell. Do you hate grocery shopping because the check out experience is maddeningly slow? What the hell are you doing in a grocery store anyway? That's why God made Taco Bell! Oh, so you think you need soap and shampoo? They've got bathrooms in Taco Bell, and the soap they've got can do both head and body. You'll find out sooner or later there is no need to worry about patience. Yep. FAST FOOD. Since I started hanging out at Burger King my life has been wonderful. I can't wear any of my old clothes any more, but who needs clothes when you can use napkins?