On the planet Zakbri lives a race of intelligent creatures that exist approximately one hundred of our years if fortunate enough not to be killed in about as many ways as we. These beings are much like us and also not much like us, but that is the subject of another discourse. One of the things we have in common with them is that we both eventually die. There comes a time when the life force we lesser beings call ‘I’ ceases to reside within the body, and the body is of no use any more. On our planet we tend to incinerate or bury the worn out bodies, but on Zakbri they decorate their property with the dearly departed.
Now I suppose I should tell you that when the Zakbrire die, their bodies instantly petrify. Most prefer to expire standing up, doing their best to look dignified and wise. This is so the family will be proud to display them to others over the years. There are cemeteries, of sorts, where the majority of petrified bodies are kept clean and safe after the family has tired of having them around their homes. The cemeteries have rows upon rows of dead Zakbrire in a host of different positions. Some try to use the moment of their death as a statement of their life, or an expression of whatever joy they found. You will see their petrified bodies in just about every imaginable and possible position, as if they were born to die this way. Unfortunately not all die in a noble or artful posture. Some Zakbrire depart their bodies while copulating, their naked, exposed sex organs forever turned into stone, their faces - or their equivalent – contorted in orgasm. Others are caught in embarrassing and humiliating positions. I once saw a Zakbrire petrified while in the act of chewing his own . . . oh, that’s right, humans don’t know what that is.
Some die, though, while expelling waste from their bodies; these statues are highly prized for their ascetic and cultural value, especially the ones that have to be suspended in air to be viewed. Since the dawn of time on Zakbri, the Zakbrires celebrate the day of their birth by flinging their excrement wherever they choose without having to clean up after themselves. The
once yearly behavior is encouraged, and Zakbrires think nothing of being flung upon in public or private. To be shat on by a birthday celebrator is considered the highest form of compliment. Rarely a Zakbrire will die on their day of birth while actually in the act of tossing his poo; these petrified remains are most rare, and sought after by collectors around the planet. Sometimes a Zakbri museum will be allowed to exhibit birthday statues from private owners, and the public lines up for hours just to catch a few seconds gaze at the dead shit flinger.
The reason why I’m sharing this with you is that while Zakbrire scat is completely harmless to the inhabitants of their planet, the cumulative effect of so much feces being flung into the atmosphere has developed over time into a thin but perceptible coating over the entire upper atmosphere. To prevent any sort of greenhouse effect the Zakbrires fire crap-busting missiles into the orbiting poo with great success. Unfortunately, a minute but significant sample of Zakbrire waste has been hurtling through the galaxy and is scheduled to impact your planet tomorrow morning at zero four hundred hours in a place called Emporia, Kansas. If you are unable to intercept and destroy the Zakbrire feces, I am afraid the inhabitants of Earth will begin petrifying upon death. If this is the case, please contact our office immediately. I will assemble a team to begin normalization processes that will greatly assist your race to accept and
celebrate the new death process.
Personally, I look forward to seeing how human beings adapt to it. Your mostly hairless bodies, with your long limbs and bulbous heads, will no doubt provide intergalactic art collectors with an exciting new line of statues. I believe it will finally put your tiny little planet on the map. Again, I await your call and am ready to help humans overcome any obstacles or fears. It will take a few generations for the Zakbrire poo-flinging ritual to show itself, but our contract covers every aspect of this change as well. I assure you and your colleagues this will be of no greater consequence than the time dogs were accidently introduced to Earth after the Canis Major incident. These things happen with a greater regularity than you think. Look what your Rock and Roll did to the Plutonians. Knocked them right out of planetary status.
Perhaps you should evacuate Emporia before it impacts with the Zakbrire evacuation. Just a suggestion. There is a beef packing plant there as well, but it should continue to operate, especially if it takes a direct hit. Trust me, it will make distribution work so much easier. Our firm is all about logistics. Good luck!