The BALL is so much more than an ARP ARP, though. I have BALLS in every stage of degeneration –that’s a word MCDUFF taught me; you can tell he’s smart. The MAN goes out with me to the YARD and brings a lot of BALLS, and throws them for me to FETCH. That is the most FUN thing in the whole DOG world! If the MAN let me, I would chase the BALLS until my tongue drags the ground and my BREATH is running. When the DAY is straight up and I’ve been playing with the BALLS, I LOVE to flop on my side in the grass, a slobbery BALL in my snout, my tongue laid out beside me and my insides as hot as fresh MEATLOAF. MCDUFF calls it DOG heaven.
Sometimes I catch the stupid CAT playing with one of my BALLS and I chase him away. He has no idea how to play with a BALL. I have seen the CAT put his hind legs on it, and other times the CAT hides behind the COUCH or under a CHAIR and then pounces it. The stupid CAT has no business with a BALL anyway. If the CAT was suppose to have a BALL, it would be a DOG. The MAN brought a CAT toy home one day with a STICK (my second favorite thing) a string and a tiny BALL with feathers. The MAN made me stay away and watch as he tried to play with the stupid CAT. Notice I said tried. As soon as the MAN left I took the CAT toy behind the COUCH and reverse engineered the CAT toy, another term MCDUFF taught me. The MAN called it DESTROYED. He has said that about some of my BALLS, too, but they look nothing alike.
In the HOME I like rolling a BALL under things I can’t get to and then BARK at it until the MAN gets on his hands and knees and retrieves it. I call this FETCH, too. I can do this only a couple of times before the MAN yells NO, my least favorite word. I thought my name was NO for a long time. It doesn’t stop me from playing FETCH with the MAN, though. At least until he calls me a BAD DOG and takes some of my BALLS away. Then I cry and cry until the MAN says WELL OK and gives them back. I can have BALLS everywhere but if the MAN puts one out of my reach I go NUTS. The MAN knows the power of the BALL and uses it against me sometimes. MCDUFF says DOGS are naturally addicted to BALLS, just like those little smoky HOT STICKS used to be to the MAN. The MAN got over his addiction. I should ask MCDUFF if the MAN was really ever truly addicted, because I can’t even imagine life without my BALLS.
One day the MAN brought a BALL HOME that was bigger than me! I tried and tried but just could not BITE the big BALL. That made me so MAD! I chased that big BALL all over the house while the MAN and stupid CAT laughed at me. They stopped when I got a FANG in the big BALL and a pathetic, STINKY ARP came out and the big BALL was no longer big. The MAN took what was left and dropped it in the STINKY box. No more big BALL.
Sometimes when I am cleaning myself the MAN says he wishes he could lick his BALLS. I give him a BALL to lick but he just plays FETCH. Sometimes the MAN is a mystery to me. Maybe he has his own BALLS hidden somewhere, but not only can I not find his BALLS, I have never smelled BALLS on his breath. I believe if the MAN kept one of my BALLS in his mouth for awhile he would find true happiness. BALLS are a DOG’s best friend. That’s what MCDUFF says. Here is a picture of MCDUFF with some of his BALLS. He is a GENIUS.