I am taking this opportunity, while the Man is out doing whatever He does when he gets in that noisy CAR machine, to issue an appeal to all my fellow Felines for advice concerning a DOG that has taken up residence here.  As I have lived with the Man and man since kittenhood and have only been able to sneak out of the house on a couple of occasions, my knowledge of Canines is next to nothing, having only seen them from the window as they stumble and swagger about the neighborhood.  When I told the Man a few months ago that I would very much like some companionship, I had no idea that He would soon bring Home a BARBARIC CURSE to plague my life.  Now I long for those splendid days of solitude, basking on the floor from the sun shining through the open windows.  The BEAST has been encamped here for over two months, and I have not had a moment of peace. I am issuing this appeal in the hopes that a wise Cat might present me with ideas for either TERMINATING the DOG, or at least ways of inciting disfavor among the Man and Woman against this PESTILENCE that has descended upon our household.

When IT first bumbled ITS way into my Home IT was not any bigger than my water ish.  IT had, and still has, a bulbous head, round, vacant, beady eyes that do not reflect a speck of intelligence, hair the color and consistency of my litter and the grace of a wounded Yak, whatever that is. When I approached IT for the first time, IT began slobbering all over me and bouncing around like a proper MORON. IT made some HORRIFIC sound similar to that of a toaster being pushed off the kitchen counter and striking the floor. I have since learned that this is called a BARK, and IT makes this sound whenever IT blinks ITS eyes, it seems.  My very first encounter with the CREATURE resulted in IT latching hold of my precious tail with ITS fangy MAW, and it was only after I caterwauled at IT and batted ITS MUTANT skull that I was able to free myself and climb to safety on the back of the couch.  IT proceeded to SQUAT at the foot of the couch and fired a barrage of noises at me, perhaps thinking I might be persuaded to sink to ITS level.  From that moment on, my life has consisted of running from one high spot to another because IT relentlessly CHASES me.  Sometimes I stand my ground and pummel IT into greater depths of STUPIDITY, but IT keeps coming, hopping around and yapping incessantly, too DENSE to know that I am bashing ITS pea-sized brain in.

The DOG has systematically drooled over and taken as ITS own ALL of my playtoys.  The MONSTROSITY is not satisfied covering my possessions in ITS GOO – IT CHEWS and GNAWS everything into oblivion.  I have seen IT completely DESTROY one of the Man’s shoes in the matter of a couple of minutes.  Over the course of ITS stay here, it has chewed on EVERYTHING: table legs, carpeting, music discs, the furniture, bookshelves – the list is endless. Just yesterday I saw the THING trying to gnaw on the TOILET for goodness sake!  But this is not the most HORRIFIC thing IT does.  The DOG has yet to learn that a litterbox is where to do ITS BUSINESS. IT poops and pees all over the House. When the Man and Woman scold IT, the DOG pretends to be contrite, wags ITS scrawny tail and rolls over onto ITS back. The next few times IT has to GO, IT will then sidle up to the door and make the most pathetic WHINING sounds until IT is actually LET OUT!  I cannot BELIEVE the Man and Woman actually allow the IDIOT OUTSIDE!  I have been crying at that very door for THREE YEARS and have NEVER been allowed out!  The two times I did manage to slip out, the Man and Woman called and cried for me until I decided to return.  This, this MONSTER is allowed out ALL THE TIME!  If I could kill IT, I would.

I do not understand what power the DOG has over everyone.  They fawn over IT all the time, crawling around on the floor with IT, playing tug-of-war with MY TOYS and laughing every time IT falls over ITS bumbling paws.  IT possesses some sort of je ne sais quoi over which the Man and Woman are helpless against.  IT STINKS, IT is completely NASTY – I even saw IT EAT OUT OF MY LITTERBOX once!!  Worst of all IT is GROWING!  Before too long IT will be able to climb upon the furniture, and then all is lost for me.  Please, if there is a compassionate Feline out there that can give me tips on how to DESTROY the
DEMON DOG, or at least live with IT, I will be forever grateful. 
I am including a recent photograph of IT so you will be able to judge for
yourself how PATHETIC this BEAST is.


Imploringly,


Jack the Cat


 
 


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